Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in martinikisses46's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Thursday, April 16th, 2009
10:40 pm	i miss the 90s, it just feels like the world is going too fast for me. everything is changing all the time, i only noticed this change my freshman year in college after not seeing tv for a long time. but right now i feel bombarded by ads, new stuff, consumerism. wheres the 90s feel? i can only capture it from music by matchbox 20 and savage garden. And those were just songs. im just swept in it all. now im trying to appreciate life, ya no. just seeping in every moment. u cant do that much, cuz music is influential and its fake blah blah blah. all these studies on the harm of everything to ur life. i used to just lay in my dorm room soaking up music with my ipod and living in the moment. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 28th, 2008
12:03 am	love I have met the love of my life who happened to be this boy who used to write me love letters on yellow paper when i was in 7th grade. when i kiss him, he makes my heart soar literally. and he feels the same way about me. i have never felt this way about anyone before, like I do him. and he has all the qualities i want in someone, and hes gorgeous and tall. its been three months, and its awesome. we talk about everything, we text all the time. We talk on the phone also. there is no one that is more like me than him. we are just perfect for each other. love is like ecstasy, it makes u feel like you are flying and that you can do anything. you want to hang on to every little moment, and bask in its glow. and stay there forever. you want to savor and save them. to taste the breath of fresh air. open your lungs and breathe in. Current Mood: enthralled (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
9:33 am	first address I guess some people think that im like not one to express my feelings online, i do to a number of people. but i dont show emotion on here, or intelligence haha. Im a very dynamic person, and i want people to know that about me. I spend hours studying every week for classes, and use 500 note cards for them. I read the news alot, I watch the news haha. Im taking a summer class that is 3 hours long. I have so many things i want to do. film in los angeles, be a lawyer, maybe an animal person for seaworld or something. be a vj for mtv. be a reporter. Ive been hiding away my thoughts,because i dont want to get wrapped up in them. once i start its hard to unravel from that. i love haunting things, music movies, stuff liek that, liek the decemberists they have this raw sort of sound. i dream alot about different things every night like scenarios like fantasy or a butterfly effect esque dream. I love that movie, it is extremely haunting. i guess im rigid in that i have to know where everything is, but my room is an absolute mess. im really happy, im doing exactly what i want to do, which is cruising around maine with the music blaring,haha. i wouldnt have it any other way. but ya on sunday, we met some interesting characters. we went to old orchard, and met this one guy who crashed into a pole somehow without being drunk. we walked like 3 miles. we saw this guy with angel wings tattooed on his back. i got to get cotton candy and played skeeball, ahaha. i still have a ton of quarters left. but yesterday i didnt really do alot, just hw and talking online. was surprised this morning with tim and brandon sleeping in the living room, haaha. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: sublime (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 5th, 2008
8:21 pm	faith i think i'm finally doing something right with my life. and have some faith in my abilities. and faith in life itself.  and im already singing love songs in my head, smart one, and making lifetime plans.lol. but ya thats me. but i think this time its right. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 21st, 2008
9:49 pm	new school./  Ok im ready to talk. ya no spread my story. express myself, and not keep everything bottled up. I was abused by my friends, and they didnt even know it. and they are still unaware of what they did to me. thats probably the hardest part. i just remember how hopeful i was about everything, and its painful to think about it. I should have known. i know that it is bad to bring up the past,but its really affecting me. i dont believe in myself. i think its impossible for this guy to want to hang out with me. i was turned down all last semester by people i was actually attracted to. my self esteem hasnt really changed. i suppose i have some confidence, but not enough to believe that this guy actually wants to hang out, and do stuff. it hurts. really bad. those people didnt even give me a chance. why should he? why the hell are these people so far removed from this world that they wouldnt see exactly what i was in college? whats the difference? anyway, i did so well in the beginning of the year, meeting that guy at the wpi party, and i felt so good about myself. why cant i feel good about myself now? this guy doesnt look through me, and has never ignored me. he sees me,and respects me. i know im worthy. i love, love love my life a thousand times over. but this stuff still haunts me. i wish i was stronger.    (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 13th, 2008
8:04 pm	stuff idk. its like seeing my friend go through all that pain. but its like she went through it before, and found someone again. and like im not going to. i can keep wishing and hoping, but right now for whatever reason its not going to happen. and that sux. and it hasnt happened for 2 years. so why should it happen now? what makes now different from all those other times. i just feel so uncapable of having someone. idk what made josh and ryan so dam special, that they actually liked me, but i just feel like so screwed. ive got everything but that. and im so pissed!!!!!!!!! its all i want! im not obsessed ive been patient, and nothing has come of it. is my type gone forever? i dont believe it, but like why the fuck hasnt it happened yet? (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 16th, 2007
1:07 am	cookie cutter the difference between living in maine and living in massachusets is random shit happens in maine. massachusetts is more calculated. in massachusetts there are certain procedures to going out. in maine, we do whatever. just everything backwards happens in maine. i dont really know how to explain it. like you run in to ex bfs, random people call you, you almost get beaten up by your ex -bestfriend. in massachusetts everything is cookie cutter. you get popcorn with a movie. coasters. wine at the dinner table. just stuff like that. parents are less calculated. relationships are way less calculated. you can be yourself. i dont know if its true for all colleges. but backwards is good in maine. people arent what they seem ever. there is no rhyme or reason. things just happens. in college, theres like a plan for everything school work, going out, all this stuff. maine isnt sloppy but it has something mass doesnt have. it has spice. you dont have to be anything. like if some guy liked me he would ask me to hang out in maine. despite our class, or anything. i mean we have hierarchies but its really different. (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 24th, 2007
7:34 pm	interesting i have this need to tell people stupid stuff about anything, that i think are interesting. like quotes or anything really. it was really easy to do it with a boyfriend because i could tell him anything, and he would listen, but now its like whose going to fill that spot. whoever that person is is really important to me. and when i find that person, then it will just feel good.everything is ok, now,but i have alot of things to tell people, so its hard to blurt everythng out to my mom, with her appreciating everything i say. life can be messy, its supposed to be weird, and rocky. its not supposed to be perfect. (Comment on this)
Monday, October 29th, 2007
11:56 pm	too contrived i dont know what this is. but its ok. i think its going to be alright. i miss being cared about. miss it so dam much. i need more attention than other people, so its ok. this was like a job. that i kept plugging away at. but didnt get much out of it. i kept trying so hard. i need my own life, and im living someone elses. i dont want this. i cant just get on by by this, thats not how it works. its too contrived.  (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
6:57 pm	fab everything is fabulous. theres just one thing i dont get. if greg and i get along so well, why cant he make time for me? ok today was like the best day finally talked to that guy in the quad of guys. got some sleep made plans with a friend hung out with ally and someone walked with me so everything is going splendidly well, its just this one little bothering thing. how do i know that hes blowing me off? he hasnt suggested anything with us. its just friends, whats the big deal? ill be ok, its just this bothers me. i mean just cuz im not a jock doesnt mean hes going to dismiss me right. he does swim, that is not jock worthy. he said he would study with me, but just didnt have enough time to get back. maybe i just have to wait until i can ask him to do something at that very moment. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 9th, 2007
11:12 am	clark first semester im doing alot better. like last week was hellish, but that was because of certain circumstances. but im trying to get used to living alone. im trying to concentrate on my studies, but last night i went to a great party. i met a guy who was really attractive. and just all this mutual attraction invokes this fire in me that is inconcievable. it comes up only in these circumstances. and i just become this really goofy giggly person.. its really fun. but i havent done it for a long time. im just like a ball of fire. i hope he facebooks me.   (Comment on this)
Monday, August 27th, 2007
7:50 pm	social my social life is accomodated for how much time i like to spend by myself. i do have boundaries, and me time is important to me too. i have my friends at the suite, friends i talk to in class, and friends i visit at meals. its fine. i dont have to be social all the time. when i get a bf, ya he can come up to see me, but do i need everyone in my room? no. i go to them. i do think ashley should visit me, because she is like a best friend. a guy im interested sure is required to go to my room, haha. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 20th, 2007
10:12 pm	hey hey there its been a long time since ive written anything here. honestly i think im getting some class. ive been thinking about who i talk to and how i talk to them. today i was excited because basically an arrested boy got online to talk to me. come on. have some class. that is not class in the least bit. and talking dirty with a guy who just initiates sex talk out of the blue. and i didnt really have any say in it. i mean my reasoning is challenged by the fact that before i would talk dirty with anyone at anytime. this is redundant. i hate long speeches. thats what different about me, i dont really like documenting things anymore. not like i did. i mean i had the most fabulous night,and that can be on record whatever. everyday is pretty dam good. personality is more important than looks. i could look for people with the same interests and someone i connect with. someone i enjoy hanging out with. it seemed all so clear when i watched forty year old virgin. incidentally enough. my personality has to fit in with the other persons. so i looked at what i like and respect. sense of humor and making me laugh. and nice and sweet. i like to laugh at things. and fool around. thats how i connect with people through sharing interests in movies, quotes mostly. idk. it seemed all so easy before. its been a long time since ive actually liked a boys company. believe or not. i guess thats the first step. when i think about this, i think about how easy it was for me and him. maybe thats because most guys are assholes. i havent met any genuine or sweet guys who arent in it to get in to my pants. ok last guy who was nice to me, really nice, i think he had mental problem sor something. so that doesnt count. it was josh i guess. and i have nothing in common with him. ok i think the thing is that they have to be thinking of me in a dating way. keith did, john did. keith was nuts. and john well i was turned off by his relationship ways. think about it god dan and oliver, were predators. and greg just wanted a hookup. john was the only one who wanted a relationship. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
3:33 pm	indescretion! ok this is wrong. so wrong.my supervisor told me to clean my station. i cleaned my station and asked if it was ok. she said just put the milk in and then ull be all set. and then a few days later i get written up for not having my station clean. wth. injustice! (Comment on this)
Monday, July 9th, 2007
12:45 pm	smiling feels good im getting off prozac slowly, course cuz i cant completely get off it. ive been doing alot of research on it. and now i can feel receptors light up in my brain when i smile. theres actually a purpose in smiling. it feels really good. its dimmed now that i took a 20mg. cuz im slowly getting off it. things make me happy, and now i want to smile. again its blocked cuz i took one. im not having any withdrawl or anything like that. this is real happiness, not just simulated, but real feelings. again i actually feel good. and now i can really glow. Current Music: every me and every you by placebo (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 5th, 2007
8:50 pm	working my ass off i always work my ass off when it comes to friends. but its just not working right now. i got contact information from a friend at dunkin donuts and shes not answering me. shes a stupid senior anyway,  i dont what i was thinking. and then amber, i dont know what happened with that. and this josh thing, he keeps saying he will break up with his gf for me. and then he doesnt this is classic him. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
4:32 pm	alone i cant be alone anymore. i want to do this with someone. ya no like an actual person. im not asking for alot. but when i get in to trouble i need someone to back me up. i do everything alone. its not healthy. we figure it out together. and its not going to be a girl. i guess i can count on him. (Comment on this)
Friday, June 29th, 2007
10:33 am	preoccupied i want to fix everything, but if i do then ill still be stuck in this relationship. its a pattern of things. and im really preoccupied by it. i could fix things but it wont be the same and i wont get anythign out of it. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
9:58 pm	no one i could have no one, then i would get used to having no one. i spend all of my time trying to get a guy. (Comment on this)
10:56 am	morals i need morals, im a bad girl. the worst part is i like being one.but if the tables turned i would kill him for talking to me like that. if that makes any sense. if i was dating him, and he was talking ot another girl like hes talking to me, i would freak. ive had thoughts of everything that could happen. ugh, i cant kiss him. what is going on with me? he has a gf. i wish this was easier. if he wasnt dating someoen. i know its going to be ok. (Comment on this)